It all started as a wonderful dream last year. I was hopeful that I could do well here. I was optimistic in everything. I have plans.. goals..
- I’m going to continue my studies in IT course.
- I’m going to learn the way of living here in Philippines; adapt accordingly and start to rebuild myself here.
- I’m going to find work after studies, and find my own place to live in.
Those were my plans.
What went wrong?
Well, I did register to IT school and start classes. I was enjoying it. I've met new people, classmates, teacher, staff.. I've made friends.. I also met my cousin and we became classmates, and almost close friend.
The first few days went just fine. I understood our lessons. I can cope up in class.. I can even answer some math problems that I haven’t had the faintest idea. Then I found myself in a brink of panic. When I couldn't remember what our teacher taught in school, and had no idea how I’m going to start our projects, I went blank. I've asked help from my family.. and when my mom & sisters helped me, a little ray of hope lit up inside, and I was determined to go on and finish what I've started.
But that hope didn't last long. I quit school, only after attending few lessons. My family and cousins tried to find excuses in my actions. They said:-
- Because I haven’t adjusted to living in Philippines yet. It’s been 17 years since I last live here in Philippines, and there are so many changes already that I need to adjust to and learn; environment change (weather, house, people), transport/travel, etc.
- Because I don’t have enough break yet. I’ve worked for 15 years non-stop after I graduated Diploma in Computer Studies, and then went back to Philippines to start another “schooling” again;
- Because it’s been awhile since I last study. It’s been 16 years since the last time I went to school; , it’s hard to remember some things already, especially if you have that big gap of years not studying;
- Because I’m already old (35 years old), and it’s really hard for me to retain what has been taught.
- Because everything happened (*changes) to me at once, that I feel pressured.
These are all true.. but deep inside I know they’re “shallow” excuses.. alibis.. and it didn't do anything to lift up my spirits. I feel like a loser. I've never given up that easily before, so this is new for me.. and it weighs down on me every day.
The worst thing is I had to tell a lie to some people on regarding my quitting of school, which doesn't bode well for me as well, coz I don’t like lying. I’m not good at it. Some people still think I’m studying. I couldn't tell them the truth, coz their expectations for me is quite high. I don’t want to see their disappointment, nor hear it in their voice, or read it in their words (chat).. and so I feel more depress.
Another thing happened that causing miseries and depression to me, is..
.. after quitting school, I found myself in love. And anyone who knows me well, know when it comes to love.. I’m hopelessly devoted; and that I tend to focus on it more than other aspects in my life. It was a good relationship at first. I feel so happy. We've been together almost every day; went and see each other every week; shared many happy memories and intimate moments. I thought he will be my last boyfriend already. I didn't even mind his secret. I was content.
But relationship that developed so fast, happened so fast, would eventually end just as fast as well.. and that’s what happened to us. We didn't take time to know each other well first before jumping into relationship, and so when we found out so many differences in our personality, we couldn't handle it well. We tried to hold on and work it out, but we still broke up in the end. I’m heart broken.
Right now, I’m heart broken, depress and lost.
I don’t know yet how long I would recover..
.. and no idea yet how to start over again. :(
What went wrong?
Well, I did register to IT school and start classes. I was enjoying it. I've met new people, classmates, teacher, staff.. I've made friends.. I also met my cousin and we became classmates, and almost close friend.
The first few days went just fine. I understood our lessons. I can cope up in class.. I can even answer some math problems that I haven’t had the faintest idea. Then I found myself in a brink of panic. When I couldn't remember what our teacher taught in school, and had no idea how I’m going to start our projects, I went blank. I've asked help from my family.. and when my mom & sisters helped me, a little ray of hope lit up inside, and I was determined to go on and finish what I've started.
But that hope didn't last long. I quit school, only after attending few lessons. My family and cousins tried to find excuses in my actions. They said:-
- Because I haven’t adjusted to living in Philippines yet. It’s been 17 years since I last live here in Philippines, and there are so many changes already that I need to adjust to and learn; environment change (weather, house, people), transport/travel, etc.
- Because I don’t have enough break yet. I’ve worked for 15 years non-stop after I graduated Diploma in Computer Studies, and then went back to Philippines to start another “schooling” again;
- Because it’s been awhile since I last study. It’s been 16 years since the last time I went to school; , it’s hard to remember some things already, especially if you have that big gap of years not studying;
- Because I’m already old (35 years old), and it’s really hard for me to retain what has been taught.
- Because everything happened (*changes) to me at once, that I feel pressured.
*changes:-
* lost job (worked for 15 years);
* went back to Philippines and separated from family, again (after 17 years together with them);
* got sick due to change of environment; homesickness; depression;
* started studying again after 16 years not studying.
These are all true.. but deep inside I know they’re “shallow” excuses.. alibis.. and it didn't do anything to lift up my spirits. I feel like a loser. I've never given up that easily before, so this is new for me.. and it weighs down on me every day.
The worst thing is I had to tell a lie to some people on regarding my quitting of school, which doesn't bode well for me as well, coz I don’t like lying. I’m not good at it. Some people still think I’m studying. I couldn't tell them the truth, coz their expectations for me is quite high. I don’t want to see their disappointment, nor hear it in their voice, or read it in their words (chat).. and so I feel more depress.
Another thing happened that causing miseries and depression to me, is..
.. after quitting school, I found myself in love. And anyone who knows me well, know when it comes to love.. I’m hopelessly devoted; and that I tend to focus on it more than other aspects in my life. It was a good relationship at first. I feel so happy. We've been together almost every day; went and see each other every week; shared many happy memories and intimate moments. I thought he will be my last boyfriend already. I didn't even mind his secret. I was content.
But relationship that developed so fast, happened so fast, would eventually end just as fast as well.. and that’s what happened to us. We didn't take time to know each other well first before jumping into relationship, and so when we found out so many differences in our personality, we couldn't handle it well. We tried to hold on and work it out, but we still broke up in the end. I’m heart broken.
Right now, I’m heart broken, depress and lost.
I don’t know yet how long I would recover..
.. and no idea yet how to start over again. :(